Makes me spit ..

There's a chance you played that 'drinking game' the last time you watched a film. You know the one? You take a drink every time someone on the screen has one. Depending on the movie, there's a good chance you could end up being completely sloshed. Well yesterday I played the 'spitting game'. I watched two football matches back to back and decided I'd spit every time I saw a footballer spit. Every goddam time there was a close-up of a player - or Pep Guardiloa, come to that - they coughed up a lovely big ball of snot. And full marks to subs Fabregas and Gabriel Jesus, both filmed spitting before they even got on the bleedin' pitch. Put me right off my family bag of Maltesers, it did. And what am I supposed to do with two and a half gallons of saliva?..

Makes me spit ..

I've just realised it's the start of the football season today; nine months now of pansy-fannying around by over-paid grunts all competing for best actor awards in the 'Falling over in intense agony' category of next year's Oscars. But the thing is, what's with all the spitting? Why do footballers feel the need to spit all the time? Cricketers don't spit, rugby players don't spit and I can play two solid hours of badminton without feeling the need to spit once. Not once!..

It's common again these days to see young men - and the odd woman - feel it's ok to spit as they walk along a public footpath. Yeah, I'll just gozz right there, right where you're going to walk! By the way, did anyone else grow up calling it 'gozz' or was that just us oiks in Eccles?..

If footballers are role models then I think they need to stop and have a good look at themselves. I think their arrogance and smugness is what's carried across to a lot of young kids these days, and the idea of mutual respect and good manners is going down the drain. Exactly where they should spit, come to think of it ..